I had been having trouble with my back for eight days, started by merely coughing whilst coming downstairs one morning. The days extended because I had twice made it worse, the first time by allowing my desire to fulfil my usual role as food provider in the family, to overtake my common sense about what my body was ready to do, and the second time, with it by now severely irritated, by merely performing a necessarily body function, whilst rather ineptly trying to protect it.
I was left unable to move by myself, with all the muscles in my back spasming at every movement, and thus spent several days in my bedroom, having to lie down and rest with interchangeable ice packs and hot water bottles. Last night, unable to sleep, despite it being much better than it has been, I lay there feeling that I had mislaid my usual inner self somehow; had lost my contact with the universe and those outside these four walls.
I am not used to being so confined and focussing so intently on my physical existence. My concentration for days having been almost completely absorbed by managing the pain, discomfort, and weakness of my body, punctuated only by trying to use frivolous distractions to keep my mind occupied, and a few welcome texts from family and friends, some of which were sharing help and support they and their families also needed.
I have been here before, but it was a long-forgotten experience; being constantly aware of the need to keep my body safe, or move it carefully, and a new one, having to come to terms with needing the assistance of a loved one to perform the basest of bodily functions.
I am lucky; both to have a loved one to do this, and to know that for me this is fleeting, but for many this is life, at least for much longer than I have experienced it. I was aware I was just struggling to adapt and had not yet found myself in these conditions, despite knowing the conditions do not make me what I am, unless I let them.
In the darkness I looked inside myself and focused on my breath; in and out. I thought about who I am right now and what I am part of. I thought about my immediate family and the love we share. I thought about my wider family, starting with those to whom I am still close and then those who are further from me; either separated by space as they are far away living their own lives, or by space and time, as they are no longer with us here, and yet they remain part of me, and I of them.
My span of vision continued to expand, and I thought of my immediate friends, those with whom I communicate and share myself. I thought of their families and those they love, whose griefs and joys also touch me. I thought of past friends whose imprint is still there on my life and always will be, whether our separation is merely a result of lives moved on, or lives ended.
My focus widened to those with whom I share more task focused contact, or geographic proximity, and so who in some way at least share with me our own particular version of life and its pressures and changes, even though our inner worlds may be vastly different. I thought of those further from me whose external lives may appear so separate from mine and yet from whom things I use day to day may have come, whether they are alive or dead. I thought of those with whom I have no direct contact, past and present, but who are and have been living life here on this planet and who may, or may not, have touched my life in ways I will never see.
All these people are like me, body, mind, and spirit; they are made from the same cells, the same invisible energy holds their cells together. They are living, and have lived, their own versions of the same life as I live now. I realised I am part of something vast and I started to see it, but at first was unable to know what I was seeing. I wanted to grasp it in some way; to understand.
Then it came to me; an idea that was like a light on my experience….
We are like skin. Skin is made of many myriad of cells, each with the same essential make-up but also varying in purpose, look and location. Some are visible, like the cells on the surface of the face (most often observed), some less visible; some are waiting for their time to be visible, some nearing the end of their physical attachment here.
Each skin cell has proximity with other skin cells, as with all cells, each has a life span, but when one cell is shed, it is not the end of the life. Outside the visible body we know the matter that makes up the skin cell does not die, it simply changes form, so many times that at some point it will no doubt become part of a different body, or even the same one! However, whatever happens with the individual cell, the skin as a whole, carries on until the whole life it is part of changes.
Each skin cell changes, yet the skin as a whole, changes too. I see it in my body. My skin is no longer what it was; age has made its mark, as has the sun. The more each skin cell changes, and the more skin cells I shed, has an effect. In my palm at the moment there is the scar of a blister, on my leg the tattoo of being stabbed by a pencil in my youth; some scars pass but others remain and become part of who we are, yet our skin changes with the passing of time too.
We are the skin of the human race, and that skin together contains all the energies of humankind, past, present and future. What holds us together is the invisible energy of life, as the energy that holds cells together is invisible, we too we often overlook that it is there because we do not see it. The body that we hold together contains immeasurable creativity, power, potential.
Of course, we are not only the skin; we are the whole body, mind, and spirit of the human race. Our lives, no matter how fleeting in each expression, leave their mark on each other and therefore that whole life; whether it is what we say, or do, whether it is in the thoughts that we promote, or simply by loving or being loved and lost, we leave our mark.
There in the dark, I once again knew who I am and it was beautiful and unchanged whether my cell is, at the moment, or any time, visible or not. I am part of this being that is humankind, an individual expression of a greater life.
I am not alone, and we function together.
Share D’All
July 2021
Tales of the Universe 